I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Randomize
