tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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