I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
