Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
Pants are for mortals
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Randomize
