Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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