I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
