I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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