can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
