it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Randomize
