paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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