Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
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