i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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