My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
