I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
