Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
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I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
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Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
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