I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
We had to coat check the pizza.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
