Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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