bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
