I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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