I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
