Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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