Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I think your dad took our porno
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
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