im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
My ATM looks so different sober.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
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