Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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