I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
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