After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
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