What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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