when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Randomize
