my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
