If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Randomize
