I am in a vortex of obligation.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
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All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
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At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
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