apparently the secret to your success is patron
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Still dying that you shit outside
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
