My liver just broke up with me...
Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Randomize
