when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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