i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
