wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
