All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
