Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
