u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
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