you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
