HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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