I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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