Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
