Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
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#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
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True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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