saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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