grandma shit on top of the toilet
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
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