Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
porn star boner night. come get it.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
