I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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