hotel room ftw
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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