not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
