I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Randomize
