so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
