I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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