New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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