wrigley field is MILF paradise
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
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