no, he came in my armpit
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize