I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
