why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Randomize
