I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
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