So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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