He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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